TUAOA: Merry XXXmas, Naruto
by lulamaemobster
Summary: My official answer to The Ultimate Alliance of Authors Christmas Fanfic challenge of epic proportions.


**The Ultimate Alliance of Authors Episode 1 The Beginning**

"**What the mix is?" lulamaemobster asked as he joined his friends in The Ultimate Alliance of Authors Headquarters.**

"**Hey, lulamaemobster," they replied.**

"**What have you been up to?" Ravercozy asked.**

"**Oh, I was just watching How The Grinch Stole Christmas and did you guys ever notice how much the guy singing doesn't like The Grinch?"**

"**What do you mean?" Morristofoxes asked.**

"**Listen to the lyrics of that song," lulamaemobser said. "Those are some hardcore insults, I can't believe that they're mixxin' like that in a children's cartoon."**

"**It's like the first battle rap song," Kage Bijuu said. "50 Cent and Ja Rule type status."**

"**Tupac and The Notorious B.I.G." Blame Truth added.**

"**I'm surprised we haven't heard about one of them being shot," Uzumakie said. **

"**Yeah, 'cuz you can't go around talking about people like that without expecting some retaliation," Adngo714 said. **

"**Is there anything to eat in the fridge?" lulamaemobster asked.**

"**Uh, yeah," Ravercozy said.**

"**Mix," he said as he headed to the kitchen.**

**They continued to talk about the Grinch and the singer's feud while lulamaemobster forages for food, he comes back with something to eat and another thought.**

"**You know what else is messed up?"**

"**What?" they asked.**

"**The fact that he doesn't say anything to the Whos down in Whoville while the Grinch was breaking into their homes," lulamaemobster said. "He's busy going platinum while the Grinch is robbing them blind."**

"**Yeah," said Kage Bijuu.**

"**This is what he should've been singing?" Morristofoxes said. **

**Everybody, wake up**

**The Grinch is stealing your shit**

**Wake up, you fuckin' slob**

'**Cuz your house is being robbed**

**By the Griiiiinch**

"**The spoken word part would've been 'In America, the police code that best describes the crime being committed is 2-1-1, boom boom,'" he Blame Truth added making them laugh.**

"**Another thing is Cindy Lou Who," lulamaemobster said.**

"**Who's no more than two?" Ravercozy asked.**

"**The very same."**

"**What about her?" Uzumakie asked.**

"**If the Grinch is that big of an asshole, who knows what he would've done to her and the singer just keeps on singing," lulamaemobster explained. "Add to that the fact that the Whos down in Whoville didn't seem to have a problem with the Grinch and the only thing the Grinch seemed to have a problem with is Christmas, I'm beginning to believe that the real bad guy in this equation is the guy that's singing."**

"**He's a total douche," Adngo714 said.**

"**Yeah, fuck that guy," Uzumakie added angrily.**

"**Know what else is messed up?" Kage Bijuu asked.**

"**What?" they asked.**

"**The Twelve Days of Christmas song," Kage Bijuu said. "From the 6 Maid's A Milking on back, I counted 27 people. Whoever this person is gave their true love 27 people, just handed 'em over."**

"**Slavery Mix," lulamaemobster said. "I've seen Roots, not cool."**

"**What kinda fucked up gift is that?" asked Ravercozy. "I wouldn't just take people, I mean, shit. Who wrote that fuckin' song?"**

"**I don't know but look out for their true love," Uzumakie said. "That motherfucker is a menace."**

"**Seriously," Morristofoxes added. "Just because the economy is messed up doesn't mean you have to resort to kidnapping."**

"**Then they were doing like the weirdest shit," lulamaemobster said. "Eight Lords A Leaping, what the fuck? How do you a leap?"**

"**I don't know," Kage Bijuu said. "What I can't believe is that Joe Sleaze had the balls to show up yesterday."**

"**Who's Joe Sleaze?" Morristofoxes asked.**

"**One of our nemesises," lulamaemobster answered. **

**"Wait, is that the right word?" Blame Truth asked.**

"**I think its nemeses," Ravorcozy said. "Spell check hasn't corrected it."**

"**Mix, he's one of our nemeses."**

"**How'd he get to be our nemeses?" asked Uzumakie.**

"**Sorry, I had a brain fart and forgot to tell you that since I joined The Ultimate Alliance of Authors," lulumaemobster explained. "You guys joined the Lula Mae Mafia, the Fanfic Family, to be exact."**

"**Really?" asked AdnGo714**

"**Mafia All Day," lulamaemobster said as he pounded the left side of his chest twice with his right fist. "Now, in joining the Lula Mae Mafia, the greatest force for righteousness in the known universe, there are those who stand in our path. Joe Sleaze the master of Sleaze, Black Nazi the only African American in the SS, Jealousy Inferno the White Hot Hater, Samurai Tony the Shogun of Memphis, Tennessee and Kid Terror, the Ten Year Old Terrorist just to name a few."**

"**Sounds like we got our work cut for us," AdnGo714 said.**

"**Man, there's no way we can lose," lulamaemobster assured.**

"**How do you know?" Ravercozy asked.**

"**Because we can't."**

**I DO NOT OWN NARUTO AND/OR THE CHARACTERS**

**Merry XXX-mas, Naruto**

Naruto, Shikamaru, Kiba, and Lee were walking around the village looking for gifts for their teammates but were having a tough time of it looking for gifts for their kunoichi teammates, all except for Naruto who already had his gift for Sakura ready.

"So, what did you get her?" Shikamaru asked.

"It's something she's been wanting for a while," Naruto said. "It hurt like hell to get it, though."

"So that's what you were doing when came back and had to go to the hospital?"

"Yeah."

"So, what was it?" Kiba asked.

Naruto told him what the gift is and gave Kiba an idea.

"That's it," Kiba said.

"What?" Shikamaru asked.

"I'll just wrap a bow on Naruto and give him to Hinata," he said with a smile.

"I'm the gift that keeps on giving," Naruto said with his fox-like grin.

Meanwhile, Sakura and Ino were looking through the stores in search for gifts for their friends.

"What the hell would Naruto want?" Sakura asked herself. "He doesn't do anything but train and shit."

"Shikamaru's no problem," Ino said. "I got him a pillow."

"So did I," Sakura replied.

"Everybody did, Choji's the hard one to shop for. I'd get him food but I don't know if there's anything he has eaten yet."

"We should keep looking," Sakura said. "I'm sure something will come to you."

Everyone continued their search until Christmas Eve when they were attending a party hosted by the Hokage, Kakashi Hatake. Those attending were Teams Yamato, Kurenai, Guy, Asuma, Anko, Shizune, Genma, Kotetsu, Izumo, and the newly recovered Tsunade among others. The party went on with Naruto hanging some mistletoe above his ass earning him some laughs from everyone until it was time to exchange gifts at midnight.

"Here ya' go, Hinata," Kiba said putting a bow on Naruto's head. "From me to you."

Everyone laughed as Naruto came over and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"You know Kiba stole this idea from me," he explained to everyone. "Clones?"

A few of Naruto's clones came in pushing a man sized gift box.

"This is for you, Sakura," he said with a smile on his face.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Just open the box."

She pulled the ribbon off and the box opened on all four sides to show Sasuke tied up.

"Sasuke?" she asked in surprise. "Thank you, Naruto."

"Anything for you, doll," Naruto said with a gleam in his eye. "Now for the rest of you. Kakashi-sensei, here is the latest book in the Make Out Series."

"Make-Out Curse?" he read.

"Yeah, I'm continuing the series now that I can understand those things," Naruto said as he looked at Hinata who blushed. "Shikamaru, a pillow."

"Another one?" Shikamaru asked. "Thanks."

"Choji, a year long coupon to the all you can eat buffet at the Blue Dragon Restaurant in Tanzaku Town."

"Rockin'," Choji said.

"Ino, Sasuke's back."

"Bitchin'," Ino said as she immediately restarted her rivalry with Sakura.

"Sasuke," Naruto said with a smile on his face as Sasuke looked like he was ready to receive his gift. "Get a life."

Naruto passed out the rest of his gifts which included matching vanity dog collars for Kiba and Akamaru, a rare beetle he found for Shino, hair product for Lee and Guy to add bounce and lift to their bowl haircuts, decorative hair clips for Tenten's hair buns, a fake scar to go on Neji's face.

"What's this for?" Neji asked.

"You're too damn pretty, man," Naruto answered.

Tsunade received a lucky rabbit's foot for when she gambles.

"I'll put it to the test right now," she said.

She proceeded to lose the bet she made with Anko.

"Oh, damn it," she said as they all laughed.

They all exchanged gifts when Kurenai noticed that Hinata and Naruto hadn't exchanged gifts, which made her curious as she witnessed her presenting Naruto with medicine after he defeated her teammate.

"You didn't get gifts for each other?" she asked her student.

"We decided to exchange our gifts later," Hinata answered.

"Well, what did y…"

Kurenai stopped as she saw the blush on Hinata's face as she looked at him which told her all she needed to know.

"Just be sure you're ready," she smiled at Hinata.

"Yes, sensei."

Meanwhile, Tsunade also noticed that they hadn't exchanged gifts either and went to talk to Naruto but noticed the look on his face as he eyed Hinata.

"What are you going to do tonight?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" he asked surprised.

"That's the same look Jiraiya would get when he was about to have sex."

"What, who, me? No," he chuckled nervously.

"It's okay, just make sure to be respectful and not to hurt her," she said with a smile.

The party ended and Naruto left with Hinata to his apartment, they were a little nervous about what they both knew was about to happen until Naruto made the first move and kissed her. The feel of his lips on hers made her relax a she started to return it while they removed each other's jackets. Her well-endowed bosom looked as if they could burst through her mesh as his rippling pecs were enhanced by the tightness of his shirt, they worked their pants off and he got his first look at her great set of legs and perfect ass. Not able to help himself, he grabbed a handful taking her by surprise as she was brought closer to him, she could feel his member becoming erect against her pelvis and her nervousness returned. She was shaking so bad that he kissed her again but that just made her even more nervous, he knew that he had to put her at ease and thought of a joke. He took the mistletoe and tied its sting around her waist with it hanging over her vagina, the joke was not lost on her and she laughed.

"Well, you know I'm not one to break tradition, right?" he asked.

"I hope you're not," she replied relaxed.

He picked her up bridal style and carried her to his bed as he kissed her, he laid her down and kissed her all over her body as she took of her mesh. She left her underwear to him as he slid them off slowly, he held up tradition and began to kissed her pussy then began licking to lick it as she rubbed the top of his head and gripped his ears as she felt like she was about to explode. She tried to move away from him as the pleasure was too much but it was too late and she squirted her nectar in his face as she came.

"Naruto, I think I just…"

"There's more where that came from," he said.

He climbed up on top of her and started to kiss her again as she took off his shirt while he took his boxers off. The feel of her touch, the taste of the sweet rolls on her lips, the scent of the fragrances from her bath oils, the sight her face and body, and the sound of her slight giggle as he tickled her a little drove him wild.

"Are you ready?" he asked her.

"Yes, Naruto," she said. "I'm ready to love you."

"Okay."

He slid into her as gently as he could until he reached her barrier making her clench down on him ease the pain.

"Okay, go," she said as the pain went away.

He started to slide in and out of her slowly until she began to moan, he sped up some but felt it better to stroke her slowly.

"Oh, Naruto," she moaned softly.

Their bodies glistened with sweat on the cool winter's night in the Leaf Village, the only thing they could here were their quiet moans through his apartment until she couldn't take anymore. Her walls tightened around him as she came again, the added tightness squeezed him and made him explode within her. They laid in each other's arms as they tried to wrap their heads around what they just did until the each had only one thing to say to each other.

"I love you."

They felt sleep overtaking them until the door busted open showing a furious Hiashi Hyuuga.

"I figured you'd be here when you didn't come home."

"Father?" Hinata said in shock.

"Oh, shit," Naruto said.

"It's time for some Season's beatings," Hiashi said.

Without another word, Hiashi attacked Naruto and began to pummel him for deflowering his daughter.

"Every story," Naruto said as he was being beaten. "How does he keep finding us?"

"Shut the fuck up, Naruto!" Hiashi said as he beat Naruto.

"I'd try to stop father but I can't walk right now," Hinata said to herself. "Oh, well, Merry Christmas, everyone."

"Merry Christmas," Hiashi said as continued to beat Naruto.

"Merry Chri…" Naruto started to say until he caught a right hand to the jaw.

**MESSAGE FROM lulamaemobster!**

**Hey, everyone, it lulamaemobster. I just want to thank everyone who helped me takedown Heliwood and saving Sara. While the writing the story helped me vent my anger and frustration on child exploitation and the mistreatment of children in the world, it still weighed on me for a while and I finally realized what it was. The first time Shu met her, he told her that things will always work out which, in my upbeat spirit, is what I usually tell people when they're feeling down. As soon as he told her that, though, her situation got immediately worse and I think that's what got to me also. The fact that maybe things don't work out and that idea broke my upbeat spirit a little. I'm not religious but I'm spiritual which means I believe in inner strength and I felt a little weak after seeing that. Well, after a few days of meditating on it, I think I've changed my philosophy on life. Fucked up things are bound to happen to you, that's life, the key is to never let the darkness bring you down. Always struggle to rise above it all, it's really the only thing we can do and, who knows, maybe that particular situation will work out. Thanks for listening, you're beautiful. Here are a couple of poems that I think convey my sentiment.**

**Invictus by William Earnest Henley**

**Out of the night that covers me**

**Black as the pit from pole to pole**

**I thank whatever Gods may be **

**For my unconquerable soul**

**In the fell clutch of circumstance**

**I have not winched no cried aloud**

**Under the bludgeoning of chance**

**My head is bloodied but unbound**

**Beyond this place of wrath and tears **

**Looms but the horrors of the shade**

**Yet the menace of the years **

**Finds and shall find me unafraid**

**It matters not how straight the gate**

**How charged with punishment the scroll**

**I am the master of my fate**

**I am the captain of my soul**

**See It Throught by Edgar Alber Guest**

**When you're up against a trouble,  
****Meet it squarely, face to face;  
Lift your chin and set your shoulders,  
****Plant**** your feet and take a brace.  
When it's vain to try to dodge it,  
Do the best that you can do;  
You may fail, but you may conquer,  
****See it through!  
**

**Black may be the clouds about you  
And your future may seem grim,  
But don't let your nerve desert you;  
Keep yourself in fighting trim.  
If the worst is bound to happen,  
Spite of all that you can do,  
Running from it will not save you,  
See it through!**

Even hope may seem but futile,  
When with troubles you're beset,  
But remember you are facing  
Just what other men have met.  
You may fail, but fall still fighting;  
Don't give up, whate'er you do;  
Eyes front, head high to the finish.  
See it through!

**Remember, never give up hope because when you do, you're just waiting to die.  
**


End file.
